The number of parents who never quarrel is very low. So what children feel in this situation? Do parents deny from quarreling in front of children? Or can they make a quarrel in comity? Here are some ideas from authorities.

Children learn many things from their families. Family is the first place that children got educated first. They learn from their families that sometimes there can be unagreement and people can discuss their problems. The behaviours of parents during the argument is important if they show respect to eachother during argument the child got message that his/her parents are trying to solve their problems. Mother and father are two factors for confidence. If they shout at themselves during the argument or they use bad words the child especially who are at pre-education age think that they are not loved by their parents and they argue because of himself/herself.

The parents should be exemplify in order to teach their children the limits. If blind anger is used during the argument this is terrifying for children. If there is explosion of wrath and practise of violence, they see that their parents are becoming to different creatures. Children are afraid of targetting the anger to themselves. Their sense of security is tossed. Never forget that  children are exemplify their parents in forming their relations. The possibility of  trying to act like his aggressive father of a son is very high. The arguments should be ended before  the tension is uprising.

Children lost their self respect if they are grown up in quarrelling environment because his/her parents are his/her model. For personnel development of children it is important to teach children discussing problems without insulting, putting pressure on himself/herself, and not emposing ideas on them. But never discuss economic problems and the problems about the children in front of your children. You should teach your child how to discuss problems and defend his/her ideas without quarrelling by being model.

If child is grown up in environment whereas polemic takes place very often, s/he lives many problems like night mares and wetting his/her underclothes, aggressive attitudes, telling lies, masturbation,  etc. These effect personnel development of child in negative way. After a quarrel parents should speak with their children in order to lessen the fear of children. The message of ‘This subject is our problem and we will solve this. It does not have relation with you’ should be given to the children.

The children began to be effected from arguments between parents from 2-3 ages old. The older children lives fear of divorcing of their parents.  Boys behaves more aggresive whereas girls are giving more emotional reactions. Their school success declines and they can have bad habits. And in advanced years, the children will show the same behaviours which they learnt from their parents. The right method is to quarrel in place where children are absent. It is better to discuss problems a day later because people are more emotional at that moment. While the argument the couple should not insult themselves and never make children to take a stand.

Never do these: – Do not impend him/her with suiciding and dead. Never use expressions as divorcing, seperating, leaving.

– Do not make children to take a stand

– Do not target your anger to your children

– Do not reflect discredit upon your wife/husband.

The parents do not want to understand that aggressive child denotes herself/himself by being aggressive because parents do not want to see that they are the reason of this problem.

Aggressive child express herself/himself  by actions instead of words. Many times even s/he does not know what s/he wants to tell. Not only children sometimes teenagers and adults behave like this.  Child who destroys school’s tools want to give the message of  s/he is angry. The hidden message without words under her/his action is’ there is something in my life which is problem for me. I feel my self bad. Be aware of me and help me.’

The society and parents call these children as disobedient, bearish and aggressive. They either want to stay away from child or give useless punishments to child. Nobody wants them. People always talk abut the behaviours of the child and they want to revise her/his actions. Instead of dealing with the feelings of children adults try to put the child in a certain behaviour structure. Critics and advices strengthen the negative behaviours of the child. Parents do not want to understand that the child shows the problem or the pain inside her/him like this because they do not want to accept that the problem is caused by themselves.

Most of  the parents can not confess that they behave their children in wrong way. How many parents say ‘my child behaves in a bad way because he does not feel well’ instead of ‘I did not give the necessary attention to my child. I answered his/her normal reactions with anger’ Children only behave in a good way by not injuring others only if s/he trust on her/his parents and if they do not injure him/her. Child’s self confidence should be developped. The idea of ‘I must not injure anybody’ develops only if  s/he thinks that nobody injures her/him. Anger and violence is feelings of children and adults. The important thing is to balance these feelings with empathy.

How can we act to  aggressive child?

– Try to understand the reasons of her/his behaviours. Listen. Be emphatic. But put limits to him/her.

– Do not punish. Use motivation techniques. Promote. ( ‘ Today, you did not hit your friends for this reason you played well with them today.)

– Put limits. Show options with limits because limitless strengthens the feelings of  distrust.

– Control your reactions Be calm.

-Tell what you want to say clearly

– Wordless communication is important. Your behaviours should support your words.

– Share time to your child. Teach her/him using emotions instead of actions. Tell the results of his/her actions without commenting.

– Support him/her for developing his/her emotional ideas. Help him/her for mentioning his/her emotions.

– Accept anger as normal feeling of human being. The child must learn all emotions but express the feelings in positive way.

– Listen your child even if s/he is angry. Do not admonish. Tell your feeling without blaming him/her.Use ‘I’ language instead of ‘you’ language.

– Develop thinking skills of your child. S/he can give suggestions for solutions.

-Give chance for his/her faults.

– Do not have rigid rules or do not be behave absolutely free to your child.

– Solve problems to teach her/him how to solve problems.

– Find activities for your child to waste her/his energy.

– Discover the needs of your children and give possibilities to your child to meet her/his needs.

-Use common language against child with adults around him/her.

– Use tender relationship with your child.

-Take attention of your child. Use games for this.

SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT

There are many advantages if your child speaks on time. First of all this support his/her mental development and the child has awareness about his/her environment earlier than other children. Early talking child has meaningful relations with the social environment that s/he lives in.

Language and talking development differs from child to child. But all the children begin to talk approximately at the same ages. Some children begin to talk later than his/her peers also s/he does not has mental or developmental problems. The important reason of this is not giving the needed importance to his/her language development and not having supporting exercises about language development with her/him. The false approches of parents cause children to talk late.

Some talking disabilities are physical and some of them depend on environmental factors. For an example if you use baby language while talking to child, the child will probably has problem of speech defect. Most of parent do this fault because they think that  baby language is so cute. But this is big handicap for child’s language development because child simulates the people around him/her. Child’s talking like baby can be seen as advantage during pre-school period because s/he got interest of others around him but this turns to disadvantage during school period because his/her friend will kid him/her. So this will have negative effect on his/her social development.

Early talking child develops his/her communication skills and social living skills so this cause development of self confidence. If you do not support your child’s language development with language stimuluses child will not talk on accurate time. You should share time with your child. Parents should talk with child from the babyhood. You should not wait for meaningful speeches from him/her in order to begin  to talk with him/her. Do not forget communication with child starts  when s/he was in his/her mother’s belly. In the beginning s/he does not understand what you are talking about but this will cause him/her to early understanding. Early talking with baby develops her/his language skills. Mother can tell her activities to baby about himself/herself. Mother can tell what she will do to the baby.She must use single words and explain in regular way what she is doing. Baby will use eye contact and feel her/ his mother’s feeling from her voice tone and reply her with different voices. By time these reactions of baby will gain meaning.

After one year old, voices, shapes, objects and number should be learnt to the child.The games should be played to develop his/her skill of mockery. Games and activities support language development. And also environmets which child can play with his/her peers are important for his/her social and language development. Thus, for your child’s development do not wait for talking with your child. Start talking when you are pregnant and continue to talk with her/him when s/he came to world. Share time to your child, play games which will help her/his development and watch her/his development with love.

Jealousy is seen in every period of life but in childhood it is seen more common. Sibling jealousy is a natural emotion but the degree and expressing of jealousy ranges according to children.

Especially in the early ages of children sibling jealousy is more common among children. Behaviours of parents, sex, age and age difference are factors in sibling jealousy.

The child’s ideas about himself as his parents do not love him/her as much as his/her sibling causes jealousy more. If the age difference is less than 2,5-3 ages this emotion is experienced more strong. Children in close ages live the same  problems and for parents it is hard to show the same interest and energy to children. The divided interest of parents cause an idea as child is loosing the interest of parents.

Here are some behaviours of jealous child,

– S/he demands things that s/he does  not want before. S/he does not communicate with his/her mother much.

– S/he has problems with sleeping and eating. S/he acts nervous and withdrawn.

– S/he soils underclothes, sucks finger, talks like baby or cries

– S/he wants to sleep with her/his parents

– S/he aggravates orally or physically

– S/he does not want to eat by herself/himself

-S/he does not want to go to the school

-S/he questions her/his parent’s love

All of these factors can be lessen or gather according to the attitudes of parents.

Thus, what should parents do?

Parents belive that as long as they act equal to their children they will face with less problems but needs of 5 years old and 10 years old children and methods of solving their problems are different. Parents should communicate with children according to their ages. Their demands should be evaluated according to their ages. It is normal to have argument among children. They learn their personal limits while solving their argument if parents interfere their argument they prevent their ability to solve problems. Parents should not interfere the problems among chidren as long as they do not give damage to themselves or violate their rights. Parents should not discriminate their children as rightful and wrongful.

Parents  should organize private hours with the child who live jealousy more. They have to pass time with her/him lonely. Every child has different personality. Show respect to his/her differences. Instead of getting angry listen and understand his/her feelings and ideas. Give personal daily responsibilities and  bless him/her orally when s/he fulfills his/her responsibilities.

Three years old children can not think that the baby is alive and s/he can give damage to her/him. S/he got angry with your interest to your baby. Meanwhile with parallel to our behaviours s/he shows positive or negative behaviours. Parents should make division of labour as while mother is feeding the baby,  father can change the clothes of older child. If your child do not want sibling you have to understand his/her feelings. Child could refuse idea of having  sibling because of factors like hard woking of parents and sharing little time to child, the dependent relationship of mother-child relation and undeveloped competing ability. But this important decision about having baby should not be given by your child, this should be your decision.

The process which parents use in order to teach an act or a rule to child is called setting limits. Family, society and cultural rules are told in tis way. All parents perform this but actions change according to families. Some of them use punishment methods and some of them do not. Some of them give clear messages, watch reactions of child and intermeddle in efficient way.

The ways about giving messages differs but all of us use the same tools to give our mesage: Words and behaviours. Both of them tell what the rules are. For an example if you tell your child to clean his room before he plays game but if your words and behaviours does not fit and your child begins to play game without cleaning and finally if the mother cleans his room the child got confused about the message that you wanted to give.Your words say ‘Clean yor room’ and your behaviours say ‘It is doesnot matter if you do not clean your room, I will do it.’ So, what is the exact rule? The answer is vague. And if you were the child who wanted to play game a lot which one would you prefer as a rule?

Most of the parents give wrong messages to their children. Children have to take net and clear messages about your rules and expectations in order to show the correct behaviours and this is related with our attitudes.

Children want to know the rules of the enviroment that they live. They want to know what are the expectations from him, who has the control and what would happen if they pass the limits. Limits make children to understand either themselves or the environment. This give the opportunity to discover and learn.

The attitudes of parents are generally grouped as: – rigid rules

– easy rules

The important thing is to support the rules with he attitudes. For an example:

-Turn down the volume of  TV

– OK mummy. (But he did not do it.)

After a time,

– Turn down the volume of TV

-OK mummy.  (But he did not do it)

The mummy comes, shouts at him and close the door in order not to hear the sound of TV. Here, the child gets the mesage of he could do whatever he wants as long as he listens his mother’s shoutings. The correct way should be:

– Turn down the volume of TV

– OK Mummy

After a while,

– Will you  turn down the volume of TV or I will turn off the TV

Children will do what his mummy wanted from him. You have to give clear message and your attitudes should support your words. The only way to set limits is to perform consistent practice with your words and attitudes.

Two years  period is magical period in the life of child and parents.Child begins to act free and s/he is able to express himself/herself which s/he begins to show obstinacy in this period.

Child’s brain development occurs very fast in two years. S/he realizes that s/he has different personality from other people. And also s/he realizes her /his value in the family. In this period child wonders everything and asks  too many questions. In this period child can understand everything and obey the orders and records evertything that exists around himself/herself.

In this period it is very important to answer all the questions of the child for his/her healthy devlopment. First indications about the personality of the child are given in this age. Two age is important because obstinacy occurs in this period which stresses the families and for this reason this period is called as ‘obstinacy period’ or ‘terrible two’. Two years of child begins to say ‘no‘ to everything and when s/he sees the effect of using ‘no’ s/he wants to use it  in everywhere and everytime. From now on your child is saying that s/he had different character and different desires. Parents should know that this period is temporary era  and will end in 2-3 years.

If you behave stubbornly towards your child, this will make everything worse. The dicipline rules in the family should be obeyed but they should not be present a challenge for child because stubborning child became angry and has tantrum. In this period the behaviour of parents is very important. It is recomended for parents to wait upto end of  his/her tantrum and not to fall upon himself/herself. The main intention should be to solve the problem before the tantum. The common fault that parents perform is to do what child desires after his/her tantrum. In this periods, child will realize that his desires are performed when s/he cries and stubborns so s/he will try to make his/her parents to do her/his desires with his/her cries.This will form his/her behaviours.

The first step should be to talk with him/her  and assure him/her. It is important to abstract him/her.The first aim of stubborning child is to abstract on himself/herself. If you talk with your asserting child this means that you appreciate him/her, but sometimes it is impossible to calm your child. Never shout at your child or got angry with him/her because s/he will shut up because s/he is afraid or s/he will cry more. Do not talk with your child during his/her tantrum. In these periods stop talking and leave your child in safety place alone while waiting the end of his/her tantrum. Tell him/her that you were understanding  him/her and you would talk with him/her when s/he became calm. In this way your child will see that his/her actions did not influence you. It is important to be calm and mean. You should talk and find a solution with your child after s/he became calm.

While talking use ‘I’ language instead of ‘you‘ like ‘I sadden when you cry’ instead of ‘you are sadden me’. Use the same desicive behaviour in every crises. Do not forget that the behaviours of parents designate the behaviours of child in the future. Finally, we can conclude as to talk and appreciate your child before crises is very important. If you talk with your child and explain him/her the problem s/he will feel himself/herself valuable and will show gentle behaviours.

The attitudes of parents depends on the relation between parents and children. There are two important factors in attitudes: love and dicipline. The actions of parents within family give us clues for the character of child for his/her future life. Here are some groups of parents according to their attitudes;

• PERFECTIONIST PARENTS: It is very hard for children to please their parents Parents always want more than their child’s capability. They want everything to be perfect but this perfectinist attitude is valid for whole family life, it is not limited with child. They have rigid  rules. Child live emotions like excessive dismay, stress, disturbance, disappointment. Children show behaviours like biting nails, telling lies, stammering, wetting his/her underclothes.
• AUTHORITARIAN PARENTS: In these kinds of families parents have high authority over child. They always criticise the child. All the decisions are taken by parents. Child have no right to talk. Child should obey the rules so child’s ability about taking decisions does not develop. They do not listen child. They always criticise, judge and blame the child. Parents’ rules, desires and emotions are important.

• CARELESS PARENTS: Children in these families live starving of love and interest. They cannot be creative. They do not have healthy communication with people. At school they always want interest from their friends. They love to play with children younger than them. They do not show great success at school.
  
• EXCESSIVE PROTECTIVE PARENTS: They do not give opportunity to their children to have life experience. They act their children like babies and do not give any responsibility to their children. They perform everything for their children.

• SPOTTY PARENTS: Parents act different ways to their chid in similiar situations. There is no concinnity. Parents do not agree on their behaviours to child. One of the parent permit to child for any thing whereas other parent does not permit. Also they act differently to sisters and brothers.
• EXCESSIVE TOLERANT PARENTS: In these families there are no rules. Every desire of child is performed by parents. Children act like center of the family. Child became spoilt child. Child became spotty child and does not know what s/he want.
• DEMOCRATIC PARENTS: Parents have healthy communication with child. They trust on their child. They upbear and glorify heir child. They give responsibility to their children and parents courage their child for new experiences. The first step for healthy communication with child is to accept the child as s/he is. Parents should accept abilities and disabilities of child.Parents should not  get angry with the child because s/he is not the person who parents desire.

Here are some handicaps in communication:

1- Blaming: ‘You always cry’

This behaviour hurts  self reliance of child and blame himself/herself for every action s/he does.

2- Giving order:‘Go and sleep’

This cause opposiition. Child do reverse of what parents say.

3-To impend: ‘ If you do not eat your meal, you will not play in the garden’

Child began to lie. They deny or lie in order not to face with threats from parents.

4- Critisizing: ‘ You did not learn to share your toys with your friends’

You child will be passive and loose his/her self confidence.

5- Warning: To warn your child in nervous way will scare your child and this causes him/her to obey everything.

6- To make feel ashamed: ‘You are making so many mistakes’

This will make your child to feel himself/herself that s/he is little and hopeless.

7- Changing subjects: ‘Let’s talk about another thing’

Your child will think as instead of struggle with difficulties escape from it.

Factors for easy communication:

• Be quiet
• Be empathy
• Accept his/her feelings and ideas
• Be honest
• Listen and join the conversation

Do not forget your child will do what you do, not what you say.